The Impact of Our Early Years
A significant part of our personality stems from our childhood experiences with parents, teachers, and friends. This early period can condition us positively or negatively, often a mix of both. This programming manifests in our adult life: relationships, work, attitudes towards money and our bodies, health, etc. Like scenes from a play, we symbolically reenact scenarios from our childhood.
The approach of Mildred Newman & Bernard Berkowitz offers a deep analysis of our identity:
How do we perceive ourselves?
What value do we assign to ourselves?
What relationship do we have with ourselves in the intimacy of our own mind?
In the early stages of our life, we depend on our mother, parents, and surrounding adults, vulnerable and fragile, needing guidance to learn and grow. Independence appears when we realize that the world owes us nothing and that not everything will be served to us on a silver platter. We learn to assert ourselves and seek what we need on our own. The third stage of maturation is interdependence: recognizing that we achieve better results and more happiness by connecting with others, cooperating, and sharing our strengths. We seek meaningful connections and productive synergies, harmonizing our qualities with those around us to become stronger together. Interdependence aspires to achieve win-win outcomes, beneficial for all parties involved. However, few people are educated to transition healthily from dependence to independence, and then to benevolent interdependence. Most of us are conditioned by various childhood traumas, stuck in an infantile perpetual demand for security, replaying immature and counterproductive scenarios.
To "break this spell," we must learn to take responsibility for our mental and emotional life.
This is crucial if we want to build a positive and fulfilling life, develop intimate relationships and healthy friendships, succeed in our projects, etc. Being ready to courageously reconnect with ourselves allows us to transform our relationship with the world. We can become, or rather, become again, our best friend. Such an individual draws their self-esteem from within. They do not need excessive approval or validation from others. Their well-being and happiness do not depend on what others do or say. It is impossible to truly flourish authentically until we become our own best friend. We can offer someone a roadmap and a proven strategy for success, but it remains useless if the person is governed by subconscious factors they refuse to confront. They will end up self-sabotaging, replaying childhood scenarios driven by their subconscious. To progress, there is no other way than self-knowledge: courageously discovering what lies beneath appearances, humbly observing why I think and act as I do. Otherwise, unresolved traumas continue to unconsciously drive me, influencing how I treat myself and others, shaping my beliefs and supposed "incapabilities."
Releasing Our Inner Power
The first thing to realize is that we function mechanically - on autopilot - most of the time, and the source of our troubles lies within us. Most of us never tap into our true potential, operating far below our real capabilities. This will persist as long as we passively wait for an external solution. The key to our freedom is already within us, while we convince ourselves we are imprisoned, even though the door is wide open. We wait for permission to live fully, but only our own permission matters. We are responsible for our lives, and the quality of our lives depends on our choices. A truly mature person knows they are in control of their destiny; they take responsibility for their responses and reactions to events, and decide to take their life into their own hands a 100%.
Let's be clear: no, we do not control the elements and forces of nature, nor can we control others, phenomena, situations, or the world... and no, we will not manifest bags of gold through the power of thought and visualization. However, we are masters of our own mind and responses to the world. Clinging to negative thoughts and disruptive emotions is a choice. No one else perpetuates these inner mechanisms for us. Nothing positive can be undertaken from a victim mindset filled with negative beliefs. By observing those who succeed in living happily and achieving their goals, we discover a few simple universal principles. Understanding how to proceed is not enough. As long as the subconscious is not confronted, as long as we do not update our beliefs, the best will in the world will not change a thing. Understanding what to do is one thing, taking action is another. Few people succeed in this because they feel unworthy or identify with their subconscious excuses. Self-sabotage perpetuates like a spell despite all their good intentions.
Honestly evaluating our thoughts and life choices will undoubtedly reveal some inconsistencies. Daring to undertake this step is already taking back control of our life.
Change requires reshaping our identity by confronting what lies in the shadows beyond the conscious mind. This can be done alone or with the help of a therapist or coach. However, in the case of severe depression, it is essential to consult a professional before attempting to reprogram the subconscious. A sane therapist should always guide you towards autonomy and independence, allowing you to work on your subconscious daily, realizing that you hold the keys to your inner kingdom. Twenty years of therapy and fees without seeing drastic changes in your life makes no sense.
Becoming your own best friend means becoming your inner coach. From there, we can then also help others do the same. Only people who have reached this inner maturity can collaborate interdependently, in win-win relationships, whether they are romantic, friendly, or professional.
To become your best friend, relearn how to communicate with yourself.
Invest time in studying yourself from within. Determine the learning method that suits you best to become your own teacher. If you rely solely on others to learn, you are in codependence. Interdependence can only exist from a state of inner independence, taking full responsibility for your own life. Receiving information, transforming it into a coherent and digestible set that allows you to take action, is an art.
The Path to Self-Friendship
Taking control of our lives and detaching from the desire for external approval may attract criticism and judgments of selfishness. However, to improve ourselves and live happier lives, as well as to have more mature relationships, we must clarify the issues of self-esteem and self-assertion. This often requires temporarily isolating ourselves from the "group" to gain clarity and conduct an honest self-assessment. It is just impossible to feel authentic and healthy compassion for others without simultaneously feeling it for ourselves. A person who does not love or value themselves cannot engage with the world in a healthy and positive way. By becoming our own best friend, we become the person who takes care of us at all times, our own coach and kind advisor, our best source of encouragement and comfort, doing what is best to meet our needs—all those things we have long believed falsely must come from others.
In reality, you are already your best friend: you know very well what needs to change within yourself. However, we hesitate to make those changes because we live most of the time in fear, even if these fears are mostly imaginary, serving as excuses to stay within our comfort zone. We are caught in the loop of the same scenarios, replaying the same childhood drama over and over. The scarcity mindset that insatiably seeks external validation to fill the inner void is a counterproductive mental architecture. Anyone aspiring to live better must courageously break away from their habits, confronting what lies hidden in their subconscious.
The feeling of abandonment in a child creates insurmountable terror; their life literally depends on their mother as an infant and later on the adults who care for them. But for an adult, solitude is a radically different matter. An adult can survive on their own and needs autonomy to grow spiritually, learn about themselves, and develop their personal power. If we experienced abandonment as a child, this fundamental anxiety conditions our mentality and our relationships with others. Later on, we will have a visceral fear of abandonment while continuing to create negative scenarios, assigning people roles in our inner theater. We create conditions that confirm our victim status or that we cannot trust others. This fear of being abandoned leads to immature, inauthentic, and self-destructive life strategies. Whether by building an emotional wall or choosing partners likely to abandon us, the same hidden driver is always at work. Being alone with oneself resonates with many people as a feeling of abandonment, which is why they avoid silence and introspection or isolate themselves by filling the void with anything and everything.
The mentality of scarcity and emotional distress has become the new pandemic in our world, causing so many relational conflicts, jealousy, and resentment. Yet, it is a collective superstition: when a person accomplishes their dreams, prospers, and emancipates themselves, it takes nothing away from anyone else. Becoming a better version of oneself does not diminish the value of others; on the contrary, it lifts everyone up. When we realize that the law of life is one of abundance and continuous regeneration, that energy circulates and is transmitted, amplifies, balances, extends, and multiplies infinitely, we can no longer feel diminished by someone else's success. It inspires us and invites us to create our own version of happiness without guilt.
Taking Care of Yourself: Becoming Your Best Friend
A significant cause of suffering is the belief that the emotions we feel are the responsibility of someone or something other than ourselves. "Love" is often seen as a rare and limited resource that must be earned and given from others. When you realize that your emotions are your responsibility and that their quality depends on the responses you choose to create within yourself, you understand that self-esteem, confidence, and the positive affirmation needed to create beautiful relationships and experiences do not depend on anyone or anything other than your intimate relationship with yourself. Authentic "positive" energy is drawn and cultivated from within, then naturally radiates outward, overflowing from an inner state saturated with "good vibes." Its sharing and the accompanying "well-being" manifest spontaneously because you no longer need to "take" or "earn" something from others. Being your best friend means deciding to cultivate mindful attention within yourself, encouraging yourself, respecting yourself, being gentle with yourself, recognizing and appreciating the beautiful person you are, and acting in your best interest through a win-win approach to the world.
When you are determined to love yourself wholeheartedly, the notion of self-discipline loses its negative connotation. Following through on what you decided to accomplish each day, then congratulating and encouraging yourself with love and kindness, is the royal road to building self-esteem. If we have long stopped listening to our inner melody, it can seem very difficult to hear and reconnect with it. Much frustration and anger from this self-denial are likely suppressed and blocked. Procrastination and hesitation are insidious forms of self-hatred driven by subconscious programs of low self-esteem, guilt, resentment, and self-disgust.
It is important to understand that the ordinary consensus in our society is to flee discomfort through escape, sedation, compensation, and various addictions to divert attention from anything uncomfortable within. This way of living has become "the norm." Therefore, embarking on a genuine personal journey of inner transformation may not be enthusiastically received by your surroundings, and that's normal. Leaving the ranks of group thinking and changing things requires courage. You need to develop enough confidence and self-esteem to say no to certain situations, people, information, movies, activities, foods, etc., and carve your path to invest your attention where it matters, listening to your inner melody at the risk of being misunderstood. Reconnecting with yourself, reconciling with yourself, daring to confront what was hidden "under the rug" to build a kind and harmonious relationship with your subconscious should be the priority for anyone aspiring to live better. It is an inner healing process in which anyone can choose to engage.
"It is not because they are numerous to be wrong that they are right." – Coluche
How Self-Esteem Influences All Facets of Your Life
Becoming your best friend impacts all dimensions of your life:
Career: If you have not yet addressed your childhood traumas, your professional collaborations and interactions will be impacted. This can lead to self-sabotage, conflicts, and counterproductive choices.
Finances and Prosperity: Prosperity is linked to self-esteem and confidence. A scarcity mindset, rooted in past traumas, prevents true wealth to manifest, even with high incomes.
Friends and Family: To have harmonious relationships, start with yourself. You cannot genuinely love others if you carry resentment within you. The "baggage" you carry limits and handicaps you.
Relaxation and Joy: If you do not value yourself, you will fill your inner void with harmful activities (junk food, gambling, toxic relationships, alcohol, drugs, etc.) that drains your energy instead of restoring it. You will seek immediate pleasures at the expense of your long-term well-being.
Health and Fitness: Research shows that overweight and addictions are often manifestations of emotional conflicts. Taking care of yourself physically is essential for a fulfilling life.
Intimacy and Love Life: Our romantic relationships reflect our inner state. We attract "what we are." If you are not your best friend, your choice of partners will be limited and will reflect your inner conflicts.
Personal and Spiritual Development: Without loving self-compassion, personal development becomes a facade. It is crucial to act concretely and consistently to see real changes, instead of getting lost in philosophical discussions.
Environment: A chaotic or negative environment often reflects a disordered inner state. As long as the unconscious is not brought to awareness, we remain prisoners of our past patterns, even the most painful ones.
By becoming your best friend, you transform your life in all its dimensions, cultivating a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.
True Love: From Seeking Approval to Self-Realization
Humans often act like a starving crowd, each carrying their own backpack full of food, pleading with others, "feed me, feed me, please feed me." This makes no sense. Depending on someone or something else for happiness is a form of slavery: an insatiable inner "hell" where the static well-being we dream of is never achieved. We systematically sabotage ourselves by desperately seeking external approval and validation, reinforcing a state of lack. The fear of rejection and failure leads us to be less than 100% authentic, playing roles to get a little bit of this "precious love" so "rare", or to resign, avoiding risks by staying passively safe in our comfort zone.
People who do not love themselves cannot authentically admire or love others. They may intensely desire someone or something because this insatiable desire arises from a feeling of emptiness and lack, but they cannot truly love. Love has became an insatiable quest to fill an inner void. "Benevolent" acts become conditional and calculated, quickly giving way to anger and condemnation if expectations are not met, if the person being "helped" does not behave as desired or does not reciprocate. This compulsive quest for approval and validation inevitably leads to a drop in self-esteem and frustration, generating conflicts and problems in relationships.
Waiting for validation from others condemns us to perpetual resentment. A mature adult, when loving, does not stake their identity or play Russian roulette. Authentic love springs from within and does not depend on what the other person does or says. Even if the loved one leaves, even if we don't get what we want, even if we are disappointed, this love endures. Self-esteem, self-respect, and gratitude are intimate phenomena that depend on our inner responses to what is experienced. There is no longer any need to fear divorcing certain relationships, activities, information, ideologies, and thoughts.
What truly matters is not what others do, think, or say, but how we respond to it internally.
When we compliment and encourage ourselves with kindness, clarity remains anchored within us. External compliments are pleasant but become less essential when self-esteem pulsates from within. We then become free to compliment, help, and encourage others sincerely, from an inner space of abundance and confidence.
Everything we think we need actually resides within ourselves and nowhere else.
When we sincerely decide to be our best friend, to reconcile with our inner wisdom and communicate with our subconscious by letting go, an incredible space of potential opens up in our relationship with the world and others.
Notes, inspirations & personal réflexions on the base of Joseph Rodrigues work.
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